Chinese society is complex, but it needn't be

Chinese society is inherently complex and difficult to maneuver. The concept of relationships aka guanxi关系,the concept of giving face　面子, the concept of hierarchies　in China are all examples of this complex society.

One thing Chinese often say to me about foreigners is that their thinking is too simple. What I quickly fire back in return is that Chinese people think too much.

Case in point:

I wanted to invite some of my best students out for a nice western meal. Most of them would count KFC, McDonald's and Pizza Hut as their only exposure to western food. So I wanted to take them out to a coffee bar/restaurant that had inexpensive western food, teach them a few western table manners (this should required learning in China by the way...) and allow them to practise English since they are keen to do so. Sounds like a nice gesture right? A fun night out with some enlightened college kids?

What resulted was typical Chinese thinking. Their reaction was happy although many troubles brewed in their heads. Their thinking was along these lines:

1. "Who will be picking up the bill?" (In China, only 1 person/family picks up the bill. They don't often 'go dutch' in China. )

2. "I don't want to go/I'm busy. Will I make Derrick lose face if I refuse to go? Will it affect my grades in his class? I'll tell Derrick I can go but later tell a classmate who is going to tell him that I couldn't go (this happened with a couple of my students)."

3. "I don't want to lose face, I don't know how to order/eat western food."

4. "What language will we speak? English or Chinese? Derrick's Chinese is pretty good but will he make us speak English only? I think I should review some English vocabulary before I go."

5. "Who are the other students who are going, do I know them? Will I like them?"

Also, a couple of other students were upset at me because I didn't personally invite them and the students I did invite didn't want to lose face by asking me if they were invited as well.

How many foreigners would have thought such a simple dinner invitation would cause so many questions and concerns?

To alleviate these problems, I spelled out my dinner invitation details. I taught them an idiom: "the more the merrier." Invite whomever you wish. I said that each person will pay for their own meal. I also said that I would teach them basic western table manners and we could speak in whatever language they choose. There were smiles all around.

For those Chinese who are reading this (and I know there are quite a few of you) relationships with foreigners are inherently simple and easy going. They should neither be complex nor headache-inducing. Just be honest and friendly.

A few Chinese people have told me that being friends with foreigners is often more comfortable than being friends with other Chinese because of the complexity factor. I can agree with that. That's not to say I don't want to make friends with Chinese people, not at all. But the Chinese friends I do have, I am honest with and they appreciate it and they are honest with me as well. That's all I ask. No face, no games, no headaches. Pure bliss.

So how do foreigners respond to my dinner invitations? "Great, what time and where are we going?"

2 simple questions. That's all.